The Bridge: Hauck's column

Waves: Calendar of events

• NOW.......................Olympic Trials (Doug Webster, Joanne Scarborough, Rick Skarbo and the polo team)

M-A-K-E M-O-N-E-Y ! ! ! the foolproof Seaweed Sully way.

Are you downhearted? Got problems? You say you stood on a penny weighing machine and a card came out that said "get off me fatso!" And you were unanimously elected by your friends and neighbors as the year's best elephant joke! And your husband kissed you this morning for the first time in two months--while he was brushing his teeth! Is that all that's bothering you? Gee.... Get out of that rut! Money...that's the answer! Yes, you to can share in the nation's wealth. No experience necessary. Just order a Seaweed Sully weighing machine today. Consequences guaranteed. Here's how it works: You--the proud new owner--place your Seaweed Sully weighing machine on the street. Along comes customer number one...he sees the machine...puts a penny in and stands on the scale... ZOWIE! you've got him. Out of a secret compartment in the machine comes a set of leg irons and--CLAMP!-- your customer is you captive (adjustable leg braces: two sizes--partial circulation and no circulation). Then out of the top of the machine appears this card like the one below:

YOU ARE BEING HELD FOR RANSOM please do not yell too loudly as the machine has sensitive bearings