ATTENTION PATTONITES: A grave incident has occurred of which I must now inform you. Sometime ago, former Patton friends Stan Pantovic and Chester Hinez of Quebec (Montreal water polo team) sent a card to someone named "Tommy" Sullivan. My name being "Tom" and not "Tommy" I took it upon myself to write an official post office notice of incorrect address. In so doing I mentioned that our office had noted certain tax discrepancies in Mr. Pantovic's record. Witness their reply:

Att. Hon. Lyndon B. Johnson, President; Hon. Dean S. Rusk, Secretary of State; Tommy Sullivan, Esq., President Michigan Bureau of Inflammatory Incidents and Anti-Quebec Propaganda.

WE HEREBY ADVISE YOU THAT YOUR INTERFERENCE IN THE INTERNAL TAX MATTERS OF QUEBEC SHALL BE DEALT BY THE FOLLOWING RETALIATORY MOVES: (this last is in red ink--Ed. note)

I. Closing of our frontiers thus:

1. Preventing the entry in our peace loving republic of war- mongering printed matter EG. scandal sheet written by a certain enemy of our state known under the scandalous pseudonym of Seaweed Sully.
2. Preventing internationally renowned water-smuggler Tommy Gun Tommy, from infiltrating our august ranks, thereby perverting our religious zeal and our outstanding moral standards.

II. Further embarrassing said Tommy, by forcing his close kin, Silky Sullivan to return to the racing world.

III. Notifying our barber-agents to clip this nefarious man's golden locks.

IV. Declaring war on Patton Pool.

The forementioned can avoided if this international provocateur will immediately:

1. Write a full apology in Russian.
2. Obtain a Yul Brynner cut.
3. Rename Patton Pool Montgomery Pool.
4. Sign an Affidavit declaring the barber or our beloved minister of Truth superior to his barber.
5. Send a number of his large harem to soothe our injured pride.

UNLESS THESE CONDITIONS ARE MET STIFFER NOTE OF PROTEST SHALL FOLLOW: Signed:

I ask you, fellow Pattonites: "Can you abide these edicts I have circled?" Now is the time for all good swimmers to come to the aid of their pool! Be advised that I have answered them already with a telegram and 2 notices (one from the UN in New York). As yet the cowardly dogs have been afraid to reply. We've got them on the run... let's keep them there! Let's have everyone on the team send a reply, even if it's just one work (ex.: "Ph-hht"). Send all nasty notes to: Mssrs. Chet Hinez & Stan Pantovic (miserable ministers) 1105 5th Ave. Verdun, P.Q. Canada

Hauck's column:

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